We’re constantly on the hunt for fresh gravel and forgotten singletrack to include in the Cedar Cross course. Matt Stacey and Lazer came with me on just an occasion recently, and here’s what Matt had to say:
Happy Cranksgiving: An Epic Adventure
As stated in recent posts, adventures never begin until something goes wrong. Cranksgiving was epic…let’s make that an epic adventure of infinite proportions. Below you will read the epicnicity that occurred:
7:30AM: I depart from my house on my ole’ Stumpy after a delicious Nutella and Peter Pan Peanut Butter Sandwhich. We were to depart from Cranskgiving at 8:00AM sharp from Dos Primos in Holt Summit.
8:00AM: Bob Jenkins and Brent AKA “Lazer” arrive at Dos Primos
8:05AM: I’m in freak mode because I’ve only reached Oil Well Rd. There is still about 5 miles to go and every road to Holt’s Summit is uphill. My lungs are burning.
8:10AM: Jenkin’s and the late bike Red Wheel bike mechanic, Lazer, begin to curse me for standing them up on this sweet ride.
8:20AM: I’m in deep relief that Lazer and Jenkins have yet to leave. I finally arrived, but I’m sweatier than a redneck watching Deliverance and have snot frozen to my face. I’ve been chomping at the bit for Cranksgiving…Jenkins has been hard at work putting together one of the gnarliest monster cross rides to date.
8:25AM: We’re off.
8:45AM: I realize that Jenkins is wearing a pair of lycra cycling shorts that expose part of his arse crack. I puke a little in my mouth.
9:15AM: Lazer expels a fart…we giggle.
9:35AM: We arrive at the gates of the IMBA epic (ok, maybe not imba epic, but badder than a honey badger), Dirty Jenkins. Dirty Jenkins is a monstercrosser’s nasty dream. Singletrack, Mark Twain National Forest, and scenic views.
9:50AM: Jenkins breaks a derailleur.
10:02AM: It’s always handy to have a bike mechanic on hand. Lazer makes Jenkin’s Tricross a single speed.
10:14AM: We hit more singletrack. I shread it. Then feel a rumble in the belly.
10:22AM: The singletrack ends and I hit a gravel road. I contemplate taking care of the belly rumbling in the woods, but then notice a no dumping sign…I squeeze my butt cheeks.
10:23AM: Still waiting on Jenkins and Lazer
10:25AM: They arrive with big grins because this ride is sweeter than ever. They stop and we have to tighten Jenkins newly threaded single speed…this means a tougher gear…Jenkins begins to dribble in his chamois.
10:25AM: Monster climb and the temperature is 43 degrees Fahrenheit. I think about how this is perfect gravel weather.
10:58AM: Lazer belches…we giggle.
11:03AM: We are bombing down Johnson Cemetery Road while the lusting thoughts of gravel reverberate in our brains.
11:09AM: Bob Jenkins screams for his life. Lazer and I thought he had been viciously attacked by a toy poodle that was chasing us earlier. We find him with limbs intact, but his chainring was not. He blew out his chainring from the spider attached to his cranks. We all let out numerous curse words. In the back of our minds we begin to think about the horrors of banjo music in the background. Our taints begin to tighten.
11:11AM: We contemplate calling my wife to find us, Jenkins insists that Lazer and I ride to the Moon Loop trail head and check out the singletrack. I ask Jenkins how the hell he’ll make it back. He looks at me with complete conviction and says,”Don’t worry about me. I’ll make it back. I’m Bob Jenkins.” Lazer and I went to find the Moon Loop.
11:20AM: Lazer and I find the trail head, but I fail to notice I’m heading for an enormous mud slop puddle. I get launched from my saddle and land in sewage smelling filth. I think it was a pile of horse shit.
11:38AM: Lazer and I are cruising on some epic singletrack. We are elated that we followed Jenkins’ orders. I could tell he was business…I was not to disobey. This was awesome!
11:45AM: Lazer and I are back on gravel. Jenkins believed he could find us by the time we would get to the end of the trail by taking back roads. Remember, Jenkins’ bike is trashed and unridable, but he knows these grounds like the back of his hand.
12:04PM: Still no Jenkins. We went searching. Finally we come in contact with Jenkins. We agree to meet at the corner of Co Rd 354 and Hwy J. I called my wife and she agreed to meet us there and pick us up, but we had a great deal of riding left to do and Jenkins had to walk.
12:19PM: Lazer and I reach Rutherford Cave Rd, a road I have ridden many times, but Jenkins told us of a must ride singletrack off-shoot that has one of the most amazing views in the state of Missouri. We find it…a place I have ridden by numerous times and have never noticed. Lazer and I ride down this trail and find a small campsite that offered an incredible view off a bluff. Awesome.
12:31PM: Lazer and I roll pass the the crazy redneck’s house that has a sign stating he will shoot any man, women, or child that steps on his property…what a dick.
12:45PM: We finally reach the Co Rd 354 and hwy J junction. My wife is on her way…we have no clue how far Jenkins is behind us. We are hoping he has not been molested by any rednecks.
12:57PM: My wife finds us and we depart to find Jenkins.
1:05PM: Jenkins is riding his bike like a skateboard since his cranks don’t operate. He looks like he just walked through a gang initiation. His face is blue, there’s drool running down the front of his jersey, and he has a dead animal skull strapped to his handlebars. Obviously he dismembered an opossum to survive this trip. He begins crying when he finds us…tears of joy run down my face as well as Lazers…he’s alive.
1:15PM: My wife Cole is driving us home. The heater is blasting and we all smell of sewer. Jenkins tells stories of how he killed the opossum with his teeth. Lazer and I tell stories of how we can’t wait to go back and do this again. All of us think about drinking IPA.
Although the mission was not fully completed, we would never trade the day back. For those who have yet to venture around these parts, you’re missing out! Jenkins has found a gold mind of unused forest, and we need to take advantage of this. The Cedar Cross race will be a race that no one will want to miss. The best part, Jenkins has yet to reveal all of it!
Sounds very fun, where is this general area located?
Mike
The race will begin and end within a 10-15 minute drive from Jefferson City, MO. The only real factor currently dictating the location of the start/finish line is how much it costs to rent a pavilion. Details will be posted as soon as I know something.